A Tale of Two Anime
by Lady PhoenixDagger
Summary: A story of epic proportions! Kinda. I really should stop giving my chibi humour muses so much sugar before bed. Have a read and tell me what you think!


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Hello! Just a little note before we begin. I actually quite like Sailor Moon. Well, the manga, anyway. (Sailor Mercury is my all-time favourite) The show is just a little bit…shall we say saccharine_? So this is really just my petty revenge on general cuteness. Let us begin. –Lady Phoenixdagger *//.^*_

I don't own Gundam Wing, Sailor Moon, Neon Genesis Evangelion, Vision of Escaflowne, Patlabour, Devil Hunter Yohko, Wedding Peach, whatever anime my former author's pic came from, Spaghetti-O's, Tickle-Me-Elmo, _Pixy Stix,_ _Hershey's Kisses,_ _Barbie,_ _HBO, YTV, the Life Network, the Women's Television Network, Teletoon, any of the other speciality channels,_ _the American way, the Dodge Dart, the Geo,_ _the Street Fighter live action movie or a George Forman Grill ™, no matter how much I might wish to melt away at least half the fat. _

*****

It was late spring and in the trees lining the wealthiest neighbourhood in North America the birds sang their hearts out. Children played outside with the appropriate kind of childish abandon as their yuppie modern parents sat inside with their new-age parenting magazines and fretted about this new phenomenon called non-structured playtime and the effects it would have on their children later on in life. Rich people in disturbingly expensive bathing suits swam in Italian tiled pools and sipped martinis out of spindly glasses, trying to forget what that impertinent little boy with the braid had done to the filter systems last Halloween. The day was a cool one, crisp and clean with nary a threatening cloud in the sky.

But above the Winner mansion, a dark cloud of another kind stirred… 

"MMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAXXXXXXXXXXXWWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Trowa looked up from his morning paper and, sighing, helped himself to another slice of toast. "Good morning, Wufei," he called at the screaming upstairs.

The Chinese boy came barrelling down the stairs, still clad in his silk jammies. Trowa noted that, although Wufei prided himself on his self-discipline and almost excessively Spartan ways, his sleepwear was printed all over with cheerfully grinning pandas clinging happily to little tiny bamboo shoots. "Where is he!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?" he screamed, eyes almost popping out of his head. "Where is the braided bastard!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

Trowa calmly moved his chair away to allow the vein on Wufei's forehead a little more swinging room. "He went out about an hour ago."

"DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What's the problem?" Trowa winced suddenly. A sharp ringing was suddenly developing in his ears. "And say it _quietly_."

"I just woke up to find my wallet missing!" 

_That_ was what all the fuss was about? "So? Maybe you left it somewhere?"

Wufei beckoned to the taller boy. "Let me show you something."

The boys hiked up the millions of staircases and hallways of the Winner home to Wufei's room. About an hour later, they got there. Panting, Trowa pushed open the door.

The sight that greeted him was that of something some of the more creative members of the Spanish Inquisition would have thought up had they possessed the mechanical genius of a Gundam pilot. Dozens of knives, tripwires, swords and crossbows sprouted from the walls, aiming at a spot not more than five inches square on the bedside table. It bristled now with spent arrows, mechanically thrown daggers and five different species of dart. Wufei snatched a battered piece of paper from under the barrage of pointy objects and jabbed it under Trowa's nose.

Trowa read the tattered sheet as best he could, piecing the words together, despite the holes.

_Ha h , Wu ei!_

Be ter l ck ext t me!! !!!

Shin ami

"Ah." He handed the sheet back to Wufei. "I see."

A shout suddenly rang out from down the hall. "My wallet!!!"

Trowa sighed. This was going to turn into a four-alarm migraine day. He was already beginning to feel one coming on. "Coming, Quatre."

The three boys were soon standing in the blond Arab's room, staring at the deep dent in the dresser where the wallet had been. Frankly, considering Duo's size, Trowa was amazed he had been able to carry the bloody thing out the door. 

"I went to do some paperwork and when I got back, it was just gone!" Quatre fretted.

"Oh, poor baby." Wufei snorted, helping himself to one of the small boxes of biscuits Quatre usually had lying around in case a rogue tea craving attacked him. "Big bad Duo took some of your petty cash. Looks like there'll be no jewel-encrusted shoehorn for you come next winter."

"It had _Lady Une's _birthday gift in it," the blond boy said in a rather nasty tone. "Do you want to be the one to explain it to her?"

"This is a state of emergency! Call out the National Guard! Call out the army!" Wufei thought for a moment. "Call out my travel agent!" 

"We might as well find Heero and see if he was similarly robbed," Trowa sighed.

"Ooo, nice word," Quatre sighed, his eyes already threatening to revert him to chibi form, had this been that kind of fic.

"Huh?"

"Similarly!" The other two boys carefully edged away, but Quatre was too… 

…uh…um…er…

…Quatre just didn't notice, okay?

"Sounds like simile! Spelled with a _smile_! I love smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Smiles! Happyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyhappyyyyy!!!!!"

"Oh, no. The realisation just hit him." Trowa grabbed the blond boy, who immediately latched onto his face and began trying to mould it into a smile. "How long has it been since he's last had a cup of tea?"

Wufei did a watch check. "A half-hour or so?"

"Damn! That's too long ago." Trowa gently stuffed Quatre in the closet and locked the door. He pointed to the emergency teatime kit stuck to the wall. "Make him a cup. I'll find Heero."

From behind the door, the first muffled verses of "Brave Eyes" filtered into the room.

"Better make it two." 

*****

Heero looked up from his typing. "For the last time, my wallet is _right here_." He pulled it from his jeans' pocket and waved it at Trowa's one visible eye for good measure. "He couldn't have gotten to it." The ice blue eyes glinted a moment before hitting the characters on the screen again. "I can guarantee you that."

"Well, maybe he took something else?" Trowa perched on the bookshelf ladder of the enormous Winner library, hands on his knees. "I mean, we all love him like a brother, but this is _Duo Maxwell_ we're talking about. Remember the Spaghetti-O's incident?"

"Don't remind me. The neighbours have just started talking to us again."

"So is there anything at all he could have taken? It's obvious that it's money he's after."

The pilot of 01 thought a moment. "Hmmm. Relena did leave her purse here yesterday… Over there in fact." He pointed to an empty patch of expensive Oriental rug. "I'd assumed one of the servants had taken it."

Trowa raised an eyebrow, though Heero couldn't see it past his bangs. There was a knowing smirk painted on his face "We-heh-hell now. And why was Relena here?"

A rare look of panic crossed the Perfect Soldier's face. "We were…working."

"Uh huh. Riiiiight."

*****

"Okay. Watch communicators?"

"Check!"

"Do you have the Duo Net in case he's on a sugar high?"

"Check!"

"Dart guns?"

"Check!"

"Hunting dog?"

"Check! Um, kinda."

"_Wuf._"

"Uh…good enough. Sword, Wufei?"

"Check!"

"Thermos full of tea?"

"Check, check!"

"Winner?"

"Yes?"

"Stop that."

"Sorry."

*****

__

Sugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugarsugar…

Duo ran out of the seventh candy shop in a row, clutching yet another enormous bag of candy. He already had about twenty dollars worth of Pixy Stix singing through his system and he was feeling _happyyyyyyyyyyyyyy_!

He also felt like was about to puke, but that was just a minor formality.

Duo looked into the bag like an insane five-year-old on Christmas morning. "Gummi bears!!!! I _looooove_ gummi bears!!!! Come to me my chewy leetle friends!!!!!"

And the contents of yet another bag went down the hatch.

"Heeheheheheheheheheheheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!" (AN: Am I going exclamation point happy or what?) Duo danced along Main St. giggling to himself and swinging his bag of candy, mainly in the direction of his mouth. A slowly sobering drunk sitting outside the local pub regarded sadly the boy dancing past and took another pull from the bottle in the brown paper bag in his hand. 

__

Some pip- Some parp- Some guys jus' doan' know when t' stop, he thought muzzily to himself. He took a final pull before keeling over in a gently snoring heap, a suitably amusing and ironic answer found for his observation. 

But this story's not about him, so let's move on, shall we?

By this time, Duo had found the town fountain. The deep coolness of the water and cheerfully burbling jets like liquid crystal looked enticing and before he had even finished his eighth pack of Hershey's Kisses, a horrible idea had quickly wormed itself into his head.

*****

"He's been this way!" Quatre shouted as Muffin dragged him to yet another candy shop. The boys hadn't been able to muster up an elite team of expert smelling hounds in such a short time, but they did manage to find Muffin. Despite the fact that he resembled a throw rug in the middle of a rainstorm and smelled strongly like an incontinent donkey, he could sniff better than the best of 'em, although this was probably because the best of 'em wouldn't have been able to smell anything around him to begin with. 

Wufei breathed through his mouth and went in, leaving the rest of the group outside with Muffin the wonder doormat. A frightened old man peered up at him from behind the counter. There was a broom in his hand, held out carefully like weapon of mass destruction. Wufei whipped out Duo's picture and thumped it on the counter. The man jumped a foot into the air. 

"Have you seen this guy?"

"Ooohhh…" The man looked ill. "_Him_. Yeah, I've seen 'im. He came in 'ere a while ago and bought enough candy to kill an elephant!!! Doggone it." he said in an excruciatingly fake hillbilly accent if for anything than for the author's mild amusement. (AN: I don't get out much, okay!?) "Pulled the cash outta this stupid-looking silky-like wallet an' almost bought out my entire stock, I tells ya, youngin." He thought a moment. "Consarnit."

"It's not a stupid wallet, you weak candy-selling onna man! It's a Dragon Clan family heirloom!!!" 

Wufei stomped out of the store, slamming the door behind him. "He's been here. Let's move."

"Good." Heero glared at the dog, who had been making passes at his leg for the last five minutes. "Get Muffin on the scent."

A shrill woman's scream suddenly echoed through the air. 

"I think we found him," Quatre said quietly.

*****

"DUUUUUUUUUUUOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" 

"Hiieee!!!" Duo grinned lazily and rested his arms on the edge of the stone fountain. A large crowd had gathered, watching with almost bovine interest the nearly naked Gundam pilot paddling around the cool water. Some people were even tossing coins at him. 

"Ohhhh, shit." Trowa sighed. He had been afraid of this. "Get out the Duo Net."

Without another word, Wufei and Heero pulled a huge weighted net out of Hammer Space. The Duo Net was specially created to contain insanely hyper Gundam pilots on sugar highs, or failing that, large groups of insane female otaku in mid-glomp. 

They wound up.

They threw.

The crowd held their collective breath as the net sailed into the air like some sort of aerial jellyfish. Time seemed to stop as it flew, arcing gracefully over the cheerfully swimming gundam pilot. It hit the top of its arc and then gently, gently it fell, picking up speed, bearing down on Duo's boxer-clad form.

Duo looked up through a sugar-soaked daze.

__

SWWWOOOOSSSSHHHH… 

The braided sugar fiend looked around at his non-netted self and blinked.

They had missed. 

"WHEEEEEEEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!" Duo leapt out of the fountain and sprinted away, his soaking boxers already starting to ride low on his hips. The other pilots simply stood and watched him go in open-mouthed shock.

"What just happened?" Quatre whispered in dismay. Muffin was cowering in fear behind his legs. "We've never missed with the Duo Net before! It's supposed to be 100% successful every time!"

Trowa nodded. "It's almost like someone doesn't want us to catch him."

Wufei narrowed his eyes. "Ahhh. I've heard of this sort of thing before."

"What?" Heero looked up from retrieving the net and stuffing it back into Hammer Space. 

"It's an all-powerful author fic. I should have known." The Chinese boy shook his head. "They're pointless fics written by sad, pathetic losers with no lives and too much time on their ha-_awk!_"

"You don't say." With a wry little smile, Heero regarded the angry little penguin sitting awkwardly where Wufei had just been, a testament to just how powerful an all-powerful author _really_ is. 

It even had a ponytail.

*****

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They almost got me!!!! They almost got me!!!! They almost got me!!!! 

Duo sprinted like a madman through the streets, pausing every now and then to yank up his boxers which kept trying to succumb to gravity. 

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Ruuun!! Runrunrunrunrunrunrurunrunrunrunruruuuuun!!!!

He urged his sore muscles to go on.

__

Ruuuuu- oooh, hotdogs!! 

The braided sugar-freak skidded to halt in front of a hotdog vendor's cart, his mouth already beginning to water. It is a scientifically proven fact that after about three times the natural human intake of sugar, the body instantly craves fat and/or salt. Coincidentally, these are the only two recognisable ingredients that can be found in the average hotdog. 

Duo pulled Relena's spangly pink change purse out of Hammer Space and pulled out a five. "Excuse me…uh…sir?"

The exact sex of the vendor was obscured by a bulky sweater and baseball cap. S/he was looking down, the bill of the cap covering his/her face. A cool breeze blowing over Duo's wet, naked chest reminded him that something hot to eat would be a good idea right about now. He bit his lip. "Hello? Um, I have money."

The vendor looked up, but his face was still half covered by a shock of thick brown ha-

Oh. Shit.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Duo flung the purse into Hammer Space and whipped around, his eyes scanning the street around him. Everything fell into place. Aside from the hotdog seller, there was the darkly glaring ice cream man on the corner whose bike-mounted cooler miraculously managed to maintain a kid-free radius of _exactly_ five feet at all times. Even the blonde busker turning the handle of a hurdy-gurdy and the sullen-looking penguin dancing along in a jolly little vest with matching fez combo were staring at him; the penguin succeeding with a murderous scowl, even with a the obvious impediment of a beak.

No…

It couldn't be…

Not…

"Injustice!" the penguin croaked and began a determined if not somewhat clumsy waddle toward the braided boxer-boy. The name sewn in blue sequins across the back of his vest announced to the world that his name was Mr. Flipperkins.

"ALL POWERFUL AUTHOR FIIIIIC!!!!!!" Duo screamed and, turning on his heel, ran for his life.

**Excuse _me_! **

Duo stopped in mid-terror-stricken sprint and fell flat on his face at the booming female voice coming from overhead. "Um, yeah?" he squeaked.

****

That's all powerful author_ess_ thank you so very much. (AN: For all those who haven't clued in yet, yep, that's me talking. I've never had a big booming voice before, so I figured "what the hell? I'll try it" Actually, it's kinda overrated. It does tingle a bit, though.)

Upon hearing this new revelation, Wufei (aka Mr. Flipperkins), turned his beak to the sky and let go a string of irate squawks.

The sky was silent a moment.** Oh yeah?** it said finally.** At least I have opposable thumbs, birdie-boy.**

****

Wufei suddenly wished he had the use of his middle fingers.

And then he became something a bit more to the authoress' taste.

"Heee-haaaw???"

****

Heh, heh, heh. Jackass.

"Uhm, excuse me, miss all-powerful authoress, ma'am?" Quatre raised a tentative hand, almost dropping his hurdy-gurdy. "Uh, how exactly are we going to resolve this?"

The sky actually smirked.** You guys can figure it out. I've already run out of good ideas. **

"WHAT!?!" Duo screamed, not happy with the thought of being left to the mercy of his darkly grinning comrades. The memory of all the heavy weaponry in Wufei's room flashed through Duo's mind. "I thought you were all-powerful!"

****

All powerful, yes. Capable of defeating a nasty case of writer's block? No. Like I said, you're on your own, gents. 

The donkey formerly known as Mr. Flipperkins brayed angrily at the sky.

****

Oh,_ fine!_ A cloud seemed almost to roll non-existent eyes.** If it'll just shut you up!**

Wufei blinked twice and looked around at his normal body sitting on the pavement. Grudgingly, he bowed to the sky, but mainly because the author wanted him to.****

**Look, why don't we go somewhere a little more private and figure this mess out, then? My door's always open. **

Slowly, the boys looked around. The masses who had been watching Duo swim around in the fountain were back, staring at the boys like a herd of mildly stunned cattle. Someone threw some more change at Duo and whistled at him (there's always one). Had this been that kind of fic, the five boys all would have sweat-dropped. 

"Uh, yeah. Let's." Trowa nodded at the sky.

**Good. But, ah, do leave the dog behind before coming in.** The clouds overhead turned into a rosy, sunset blush, despite the fact that it was only about ten a.m., **I just cleaned the place.**

*****

It is a well-known fact that fanfictionalists are a species of man entirely different from any other known on the face of the Earth. Existing primarily on junk food, drinks with _waaaay_ too much caffeine in them and the radiation from their computer screens, these majestic slaves to the keyboard tend to like to have a place of solitude in which they can eat, drink and glomp freely without having to bend to the mind-numbing constraints of reality. Such places can be as simple as your basic house, apartment or –in a pinch- the occasional igloo crafted entirely of Rocky Road ice cream. However, the most favoured asylums tend to be of the variety in which they are mainly great big formless white rooms where nothingness abounds, time is naught and the laws of physics are more or less just really convenient suggestions. Of course, overstuffed couches are always optional, but, on the whole, highly preferred. 

It was on one of these couches that the five pilots were crammed, trying hard not to look at each other, but really having nowhere else to put their eyeballs. 

There was nothing else in the room.

Suddenly, a door appeared and a girl stepped through. Barely taller than the boys themselves, she stood before them as an angel, complete with white feathery wings folded demurely at her back. She wore her long green hair loose and flowing and her emerald eyes sparkled with sweet, gentle mirth. Of course, what the boys noticed first was the fact that she was stacked like a Barbie doll and _almost_ wore a dress with slit up both sides of the skirt reaching to mid-torso. All of this was then tastefully accented with about seven pounds of gold. The angel grinned at them.

**I see-** She frowned. "_I see_ you guys like my author pic." (AN: Okay, so I began this fic before author pics were restricted to paying customers. Just goes to show how long this thing has been sitting on my hard drive. Ah, well. You'll have to use your imagination for this one, I suppose.)

"Y-you mean you don't look like that in real life?" Quatre stammered. 

"No." The authoress rolled her emerald eyes. "If I did, do you think I'd be cooped up in a dark, dank basement slowly developing an unattractive hump from being hunched over the keyboard for hours at a time? Nooooo! I could be out having a real social life, but instead, I'm forced (AN: _Was_ forced. _Was_ forced.) to put up a picture of a girl with a figure that would put Barbie to shame and pretend I look like her just to further starve my already low sense of self esteem!!!"

The assembled boys tried to push themselves further in to the couch. Considering how overstuffed the couch was, they managed to get a rather impressive distance in.

"I'm sorry," the authoress said shortly. "Writing makes me bitter."

"So we guessed."

The authoress sighed and held out her hand. A cup of tea dropped into her palm. Gingerly she took a cautious sip, though in hindsight, she didn't necessarily need to. (AN: It _is_ my fic, y'know. If I got burned, I could always just write up a miraculously speedy recovery. Or even not burn myself at all, for that matter.) "Anyway, my name is Lady PhoenixDagger –don't laugh or I'll turn you all to radishes- or L.P.D. for short. And as you might have guessed, I just ran completely out of ideas."

The boys nodded, carefully trying for all the world not to look like they were frantically looking for the exit. 

"Anyway, what we need is a way to resolve this whole mess and let you guys get on with your busy lives. This could be a tuffy." L.P.D. dropped her chin into an exquisitely formed hand and pursed her lips in thought. "Mmmm… oh! Ha_ hah_! I got it!" With a flick of her hand, a device much like an oversized TV remote clattered onto the coffee table. "_This_ is the answer to all our problems, gents." 

Duo picked up the remote and turned it over in his hands. Rather than having actual channel numbers, there were archaic symbols etched neatly below each and every button. Duo couldn't make anything of them. Peering hard, he stared at a pair of these buttons, capped with a lone word engraved in mysterious curly script. Duo reckoned this was a button of infinite power and might, that within this word were held the mysteries of the ages. Then he looked harder and found it just said "volume". 

"Cool," he said, handing it back. "Does it get HBO?"

The authoress rolled her eyes. "No, Duo. It doesn't get HBO. Nor does it get YTV, the Life Network, the Women's Television Network, Teletoon, or any other speciality channel. Now _do_ try to keep up. This remote can give the holder access to all other anime shows and movies, thereby causing any number of appropriately amusing situations and winning me all sorts of great reviews." (AN: hint, hint…)

"Isn't that a bit cliché?" Heero asked her tiredly. "Crossovers are so overdone." He rubbed his temples. _Out of all the fanfictionalists we could have met, it just _had_ to be the one with too much sugar in her diet._

"I heard that."

"Hn."

"Well, that's too bad. It's either that or I just remorph you all and turn this whole thing into a sappy-ass Teletubbies fic."

The pilots blanched as one man. "But there's five of us," Quatre squeaked, visions of giant, brightly coloured polyester suits dancing circles in his head. "That's one too many!" 

"Then I think you'd make a simply _darling_ sun, Quatre, dearest."

The blond Arab turned dead white.

"I hate you," Wufei snarled.

"And I love you, Wuffie," L.P.D. snickered and leaned over, kissing him lightly on the nose. Wufei, who was too deeply sunken into the recesses of the couch, could do nothing about it.

"GAAAAHHHH!!!!!" 

"Right." L.P.D. smiled and crossed her legs. "Let's get this fic on the road. I only have so much time, you know." She straightened in her seat and aimed the remote at a TV that was quickly wished into view. (AN: Ah, the joys of writer's convenience!) 

****

Gentlemen…let the games begin! 

She hit the button.

"Ooohhhh, ssssshhhhhiiiiiiiiii-"

*****

The boys opened their eyes and moaned, testing out various sore muscles and creaky bones. They lay in an alley occupied by a couple of trashcans, a disaffected-looking stray cat that yowled at them and bounded away, and the last Earthly remains of a Tickle-Me-Elmo doll. Other toy bits were strewn about like big hunks of plastic confetti. Irritably, the boys all sat up, their shoes crunching soft plastic and the massive voice of the authoress ringing like church bells in their ears. Judging by the light, it was still only early afternoon. As one man, four of the five turned to look at their last comrade in arms.

"This would _never_ have happened if you had kept your thieving hands to yourself!" Wufei shouted at Duo, hurling various Elmo bits at him. Duo flinched as a dingy red monster arm bounced off his head, but didn't say anything. Wufei took this as an opportunity to go on. "Instead you decide to go on a _damn _sugar joyride and now look at us! We're lost in lord only knows where after being bossed around by a freakish angel woman in a white room with no walls!! And before that, I was a _penguin_! A PENGUIN!!! _And it's all your fault_!!!!"

Duo looked at his feet. "I know."

Forlornly, the Tickle-Me-Elmo's torso let go one last wheezing, garbled snicker, which promptly ran out of steam at the halfway point. Clearly, this alley was an almost sacred place where old, unloved toys went off to die. 

Quatre put an arm around Duo's shoulders, shaking him gently. "Hey. Don't worry about it, Duo. We're not mad at you. Right, guys?" He looked around. "Guys?" 

The rest of the group had already left the alley. Their caring, sharing moment mercifully cut short, Duo and Quatre scrambled to their feet and hurried after them. The surroundings were different here. Everything was considerably different than the place the boys had just come from. Heero's eyes darted around as he quickly read all the signs written only in Japanese. Girls in sailor-suit style school uniforms were everywhere.

"Where the hell are we?" Trowa asked, still looking around. "This isn't home."

Duo shrugged. "L.P.D said this was a crossover fic. Anybody know of any anime with this type of scene in it?"

"Hmmm, which anime show features the typical downtown scene crawling with teenage girls in school uniforms with the Tower of Tokyo in the background?" Wufei raised an eyebrow. "This may be a wild guess, but I'll have to go with _almost all of them_!!"

"Well, someone's just a little bit snippy today!" Duo shot back.

"Golly gee, I wonder why!" Wufei suddenly stopped and looked up at the sky. "Did I just say 'golly gee'?" 

****

Yes. Yes you did. Now be nice or I'll fill you so full of nonsensical interjections you'll have to pull the _real_ words out of your ass! 

"All right, all right, I'll leave the Braided Moron alone, shucks howd- _stop that_!!!"

**Okay…** The sky overhead seemed to sulk. **Spoilsport.**

"Back to the matter at hand," Heero said, glaring at a group of girls who he caught staring at him. They blushed as one unit and hurried away, looking more like they had just came into port than going off to school. "We have to figure out where the hell we are. The sooner we do that, the sooner we can get out of here."

The others nodded. "Sounds easy enough." Duo shrugged. "All we need to do is look for either lots of nasty youma, a whole bunch of mechas, or whiny prepubescent girls with large and/or very distinct hairdos." The others stared at him. "What? Admit it, it's always the moan-y chick with the unusual hair." He suddenly took off running, calling out to random girls. "Hey! Hey you with the French braid!! Can I ask you a few questions?!" 

Trowa, Heero, and Wufei looked at each other with a shared "why us?" expression. 

****

"This isn't going to help us out, Duo!!" Quatre called. "You're just scaring the girls!!"

Duo skidded to a stop, allowing a shaken girl with a mullet get to safety. "You're no fun," he complained.

Trowa leaned against the wall of a building and regarded his friend. "You know, Duo, you've been known to be more than a little whiny at times. Couple that with the definitely unusual three-foot-braid and…" He let the sentence hang. Several sweatdrops faded into view. 

"Gaaah!! What the hell is _that_!?!?!?" Wufei screamed, moving instantly away from the large translucent drop resting gently on his noggin. It hung there, even managing to look a little embarrassed with itself. 

"I don't know, but there's one growing out of my head!!!" Duo shrieked. Quatre, who had moved away from his own sweatdrop, picked up a nearby stick and poked the one suspended over Duo's head. It burst, covering the poor pilot in at least a bucketful of nasty anime sweat. "Aaaaagggghhhh!!!! Eeewww, gross, it _stinks_!!!!"

Heero sighed and put his head in his hands. "Way to be inconspicuous, guys." 

Quatre shrugged and handed his handkerchief to Duo. "There are giant blue things growing out of our heads. How inconspicuous can you be with that happenin-AAGGHH!!!!!!!"

The other four pilots suddenly found themselves looking at a giant pink cupcake with Quatre's head and hands poking out. Little swirly things had replaced his eyes and his wide-open mouth had grown to twice its size. (No sweatdrops, though.) 

"What the-" Heero bit off a curse and bounded out of the way of another giant cupcake. "Who the hell attacks with _pastry_!?!?"

Duo hopped away, managing only to be winged by another cupcake off the arm. He licked his cuff and grimaced. "Guh. This stuff isn't even very good."

"I am Mocchi!!!!" The thrower of the cupcakes stepped out into the open, earning another round of sweatdrops. It seemed to be a rather busty woman dressed all in a somewhat intimidating confectionery marvel made entirely of icing and sprinkles. A large lit candle topped her head. She drew back her hand and another volley of cupcakes shot into view. 

Wufei raised an eyebrow and danced out of the youma's firing range. "You _must_ be joking."

"At least we can rule out Neon Genesis Evangelion," Heero sighed as another cupcake narrowly missed him. "Unless there's an Angel of fattening foods they forgot to mention in the show."

Wufei shrugged a shoulder. "I dunno, there's always the manga to think about."

"How are we supposed to stop her?" Trowa called. He'd found a trashcan lid and was trying to chip Quatre out of his pastry prison. 

"We could eat her!" Duo suggested.

"You first, Maxwell."

"Ewww…." 

"Muaaaahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!" The youma screamed with laughter and fired another volley, this time of turnovers. Moving quickly, Heero caught one and fired it back, smacking Mocchi right between the eyes. The youma stopped in her tracks, a look of shock all over her face. Gradually, her face turned purple. "_You're not supposed to do that!!!!!_" she shouted. The candle perched on her head flared in anger.

Heero leaned against a convenient fire hydrant and crossed his arms. "Why not?" he said, buying time as the others dug Quatre out of his cake/prison and began to revive him. 

"I…erm…uh…I…well…" The youma had nothing to say about that. So it decided just to stick with the tried and true. She pulled out yet another cupcake bomb and wound up to fire. "TAKE THI-"

"Stop right there!" cried a high female voice from the rooftops above. 

As one unit, everyone looked up. A young girl with impossibly long hair done up in the odango style stood on a billboard erected on a rooftop. Her arms were folded in the basic "defiant and yet still vomit-inducingly cute" manner and –like any of the several other magical girl super heroines running around Tokyo at any given time- she wore a fuku. She jumped down from the building, managing to make a two-point landing despite the fact that any normal human being performing such a feat -especially done in heels- would probably end up with their shins mashed up somewhere into the region of their armpits. The street was now deserted, save for the shocked-looking youma and the group of five teenage boys slowly trying to back away without being noticed.

"I am Sailor Moon!" the girl announced, posing defiantly with every other word. "And I fight for love and justice!"

"And the American way!" Duo blurted out, throwing his fist into the air. Sailor Moon cast a withering look at him and continued on, blathering about pure hearts and dreams and suchlike, pausing every now and then to throw in another pose for emphasis. The overall effect was that of a marionette being lynched by its own strings. 

The pilots merely looked at each other and then back at Mocchi, who had just finished casually rolling herself a cigarette. She lit it off the candle perched on her head and took a long drag. Then she remembered her manners. She held it out to the wide-eyed group. "Care for a puff?"

The boys shook their heads. "Why don't you just go over there and attack her now?" Quatre asked, now fully conscious and trying in vain to pick the icing out of his hair. 

Mocchi appeared to be thinking about it, but in the end, she could only shrug. "Dunno. Good stage etiquette, I guess. It's almost kind of entertaining to watch her, in a sad sort of way. This'll be just like any other show, really. First, the Moon chick spouts off some drivel about the milk of human kindness, which I don't normally listen to. Then I shoot stuff at her, she 'kills' me –but not really because of the kiddies watching, don'tcherknow- and then I come back in the next episode as some other evil youma chick bent on destroying the Senshi and eating up time until the next commercial break. It's not too bad as careers go, but it does get a little monotonous at times." Mocchi took a last, long drag on her cigarette and stomped the butt out. "I think she's almost done," she said, smoke billowing gently from her nostrils. "You'd think she would've gotten the hint by now."

"-and in the name of the moon, _I! Will! Punish! You_!" Sailor Moon did some cutely defiant pointing. "I am Sailor Moon!"

"Yes, yes," Mocchi rolled her eyes and sighed. "Argh, argh, argh, I am Mocchi, argh." She waved her arms at the fuku-clad girl, who immediately got into a battle stance, despite the fact that Mocchi was still about twenty feet away and not about to advance. "Watch me destroy you, argh."

****

Hey, I'm not paying you to fan flies! How about some actual _effort_ here!

Mocchi sighed. "Sure thing, boss." She shot a look over to the boys standing off to the side. "You know, it really doesn't matter how much I try. The poor girl acts like I'm about to tear her head off even when I'm still offstage trying to memorise my lines. Oh, well. Good work for good pay, I s'pose." The youma sighed and drew herself up. "_FEAR ME, FOR_ _I AM MOCCHI_!!!!!" (AN: All right, I admit it's a dumb line. Just try to act remotely scared for the pilots' sakes, okay?)

Quatre screamed like a little girl and zipped behind Trowa, who was desperately trying not to wet himself. Heero's entire being was tensed for flight and Duo was hiding in a Dumpster. Poor Wufei looked like Meiran had just come back from the dead and wanted to get down in front of the fireplace for some serious petting. 

"Daaaaaamn…. She _is_ good!"

"I try," Mocchi said to them over her shoulder. "_I will destroy you!!!_"

"Hey, they have the same censors we do!" Quatre said, still standing behind Trowa, both of them a bit red in the face for being so terrified of someone who had only a moment ago made polite conversation with them and offered them a smoke. 

"No, if Sailor Moon can say 'crap' and Mocchi has to refer as a lame way to die as being 'dinky', _then_ they have the same censors," Duo pointed out. He was still in the Dumpster, his face just barely peeking over the edge. He had no idea why, but there was something about being knee-deep in garbage in the middle of a trash bin that made him remember almost fondly his childhood on L2. He wondered fleetingly if rubbing himself all over with garbage would be a good way to deter herds of crazed female otaku. Then he realised that they would probably read too far into it and consider it his way of getting back to his roots, grubby and nasty-smelling as they were. In other words, it would probably make him all the more attractive for appearing to have a sensitive side. He sighed. _Otaku…geez…_

Before the boys, the battle –such as it was- was getting heated. Sailor Moon was screaming like a banshee and running away, Mocchi chasing after her and negligently tossing exploding cupcakes at her. The non-Dumpster-ed boys were figuring out the odds which were supposed to be about three million to one in Mocchi's favour, but, because Sailor Moon was the star of the show, the numbers were all but completely reversed. It was a phenomenon that would make any Las Vegas blackjack dealer hand in his cards, sit down and have himself a good cry.

"Stop right there, you evil Nega-scum!" cried a group of female voices from the rooftops above.

"Oh, man, don't tell me." His view partially obscured, Duo hopped out the Dumpster and wandered over to where the other guys were to look. What he saw was another four fuku-clad girls posing defiantly by a TV aerial. Duo slapped his forehead. "Of course. There's more of them." 

"Whoopee." Trowa rolled his emerald eyes. "It's like cockroaches. Where there's one, there's always at least twenty others."

The other girls jumped down from the rooftop and landed by their "fearless leader" who was lying on the ground in a whining heap at the moment. The other four girls began posing and introduced themselves in an irritating, repetitive fashion.

The one in orange stepped forward and tossed her head, nearly taking out the rest of the group with her excessive amount of blonde hair. "I may be just another pretty face to you-"

The Gundam boys looked at the girl in the orange fuku, looked at each other and shook their heads in the negative. Quatre stepped forward. "Actually, Miss, we don't find you even mildly attractive at all," he explained, polite to the core. He leaned over to whisper at her. "Personally, I think it's the bow."

The girl in orange growled at him and moved away. "I am the senshi of _beauty_ and _light_! Sailor _Venus_!!"

The girl in green, who was slightly taller than the rest, stepped forward next, hands planted squarely on hips, jaw lifted in the classic "come and get it" pose. "I may be big, but I'm still beautiful!"

"Well, _we're_ just a wee bit vain, now, aren't we?" Duo quipped dryly.

The girl in green glared at him until he shrank back and went on. "But _damn_ can I make a good soufflé! I am the senshi of _thunder_ and _cooking_! Sailor _Jupiter_!!"

Mocchi sighed gustily from where she was standing and began to roll another cigarette. From where they stood, the boys could almost hear her composing a new resume in her head.

The girl in blue stepped demurely forward, her face half-obscured by a heavy textbook. "Some say I'm a bookworm, but I still pack a mean punch! I am the senshi of _ice_ and _exams_! Sailor _Mercury_!!" She flung the book away, nearly beaning Wufei in the process.

Trowa rolled his eyes. "Does this mean we'll be tested on this later?" 

The girl in red stepped forward then, a bone-white ofuda gripped between her fingers. "As a gift to my kami, I will right all evils and that means you! I am the senshi of _fire_ and _meditation_! Sailor _Mars_!!"

The boys looked at each other. For all they could do, they couldn't think of even one suitable smartass remark for that one. (Hell, even the _authoress_ was stuck on that one.)

"In the name of our planets," they said in unison, "we will punish you!!"

Duo leaned over to Wufei. "Personally, I think being on this show is punishment enough."

"Shhh, I think they're about to attack!" Quatre hissed. 

"Sorry, sorry." Duo sighed and stepped back to watch the battle unfold. Well, maybe the silly costumes and scarily impractical hair were just a ruse. Maybe these girls were just using them to hide the real power behind their attacks! If these five girls were –Heaven forbid- Gundam pilots, and showed up on the battlefield, no one would bother with utterly destroying them; they looked to be the types that could do that all by themselves, thank you very much. So they would be left alone. And then that's when the double beam rifles would be whipped out and then bye-bye enemy battalion. Duo brightened right away. Yeah! That _had_ to be it! Perhaps behind the funny names and weird poses that would otherwise have any _normal_ girl sent straight to the funny farm, these young women held in their hands the power to destroy entire colonies on a whim and bring the whole world to its knees! 

"_Venus Love Me Chain Encircle!!_"

Then again, perhaps not.

"Arghargharghargh!!" groaned Mocchi, trying not to yawn at the same time. Moaning, she fell backwards and landed in a heap. 

"Yyyyyeaaahhhhhh!!!!!" The girls cheered, jumping up and down with ease in their high heels for some strange reason.

"Ah, shit, there's still a few more minutes until the next scene…." Grumbling, Mocchi lurched to her feet and snarled. "I'm gonna_ get_ you!!!"

"Oohh, scary!" Duo said sarcastically.

Quatre shrugged "They seem to think so," he said, pointing at the group of girls tensed for battle. 

Mocchi sighed. "Argh. Arghargharghargh, etcetera."

"I got this one, Scouts!!!" Sailor Mercury shouted, bounding cutely into the foreground. She wound up and fired. "_Mercury Bubbles Blast!!!!!!_" 

"Great. What exactly does she plan to do? _Clean_ Mocchi to death?" Wufei was pinching the bridge of his nose and grimacing as a stress headache stomped a path through his brain. "What next?" 

Duo took this as a sign to grab some attention. Putting his knees together and forcing his feet apart in the standard I've-got-my-feet-apart-for-balance-but-my-legs-are-together-for-modesty-regardless-of-the-fact-that-I'm-wearing-a-teeny-weeny-six-inch-skirt-and-skin-tight-body-suit pose and pointed limp-wristedly at Wufei. "What else? 'You'd better submit to me, you bad ol' youma, or I'll do your laundry!' "

"Maxwell?" Wufei said tiredly, not bothering to look up.

"Yeah?"

"Shut up." 

"Sorry." 

A small, black cat bounded into the foreground then. She sprinted towards the battle, only to be immediately snatched up and pressed to Quatre's face, another victim of senseless acts of snuggling. "Awwww!" he cooed, a kawiiko to the core. "Oo's a pwetty kitty? Oo's a pwetty kitty?"

The cat glared at him. "Put me down, fairy-boy."

"Yaaaagh! It TALKS!!!!" Quatre screamed and heaved the offending feline football-style as hard as he could. "Kill it! Kiiiiill it!!!!!"

The scouts and the youma stopped fighting to watch the yowling projectile hurtle over their heads and land somewhere out of sight with a shriek, a muffled _thunk_ and the sound of traffic screaming to a halt.

"LUNA!!!!" Sailor Moon screeched.

"Oopsie." 

"Never fear, Sailor Scouts!!!" A sudden, manly voice cut through Sailor Moon's moaning over her cat (who, at the moment, was fleeing the scene of a near-fatal car accident after landing on the windshield of a Dodge Dart). A tall, dark, mysterious man stood on a lamppost, a blood red rose in one immaculate white-gloved hand. The Gundam boys squinted up at him. Apparently, they were now being faced with was a men's eveningwear model with a taste for corny heroics. Mocchi sighed and pulled the components of yet another cigarette from her pocket.

"Do you smell that?" Quatre asked.

Heero sniffed the air. "Yeah. It smells kinda like Zechs. Or maybe Trieze."

Trowa sampled the air as well. "Mmm. It's a mix of excessive testosterone and slight overacting spiked with an unexplainable headwind," he explained.

"Ohhhhh. Testosterone." Duo nodded. "That would explain why it kinda smells like Dorothy." (Note to Dorothy fans: _PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!!!!!_)

"Never fear, Sailor Scouts," the man said, hopping down from the lamppost to land between the scouts and the yawning youma. "For it is your hearts which I believe in." He struck an alarmingly dashing pose. Several of the scouts got hearts for eyes and swooned for all they were worth. Wufei dashed to the Dumpster Duo had been occupying earlier. In a moment, retching sounds could be heard throughout the alley.

"Fear not the loveless darkness! For I believe in your love for the world and your love for all the people who are in love, much like you are, because you Senshi love those who are in love and I love-" he stopped. "Wait. Can I start over? Right." Another painfully manly pose was struck. "Fear not the darkness! For I believe-"

"Um, excuse me, Mr. Suit Man?" Quatre timidly put his hand up. "Are you actually going to do anything of, uh, value?"

The scouts, Mocchi, the men's wear model and Luna, who had just crawled back from her odyssey under a Geo, stared at him in shock, causing a big fat sweat drop to spontaneously grow from his head. "What'd I say?"

Suit Man looked stunned. "You…interrupted me."

"Uh…" Quatre decided to play it safe. He put on his pout-at-'em-and-make-'em-melt face (a staple of na'er-do-well millionaire heirs everywhere in the world. Example: "But,_ Daddy_, the boathouse was _already_ on fire when I got there!" Cue pout and quickly make escape, being sure to summon a random servant to mop up puddle o' dad before he stains the carpet.). "I'm _so_ sorry."

Duo stepped forward. "I'm not. What the hell was that!? That had to be the stupidest speech I've ever heard!"

"But I'm the male lead! I _have_ to make a stupid speech! It's in my contract!" The man waited until his unexplainable headwind flipped his cape back and pulled the sheet of paper from his pocket. "See? It's right there in black and white under the clause about excessive jaw squaring and cape flipping. I even have a quota per show." He squared his jaw, causing several of the Senshi to faint. Wufei, who was just staggering out of the alley wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, caught only a scant glimpse before turning on his heel and sprinting for the Dumpster again.

"Can we please get this over with?" Mocchi groused. "I have an episode of Devil Hunter Yohko to be in in an hour and a Wedding Peach special to appear in at five!"

"Quit your whining, Nega-sleaze!" Sailor Moon crowed, apparently heartened by the fact that there was at least one character on the show that was even more useless than her. She made a grab for her tiara. "Now you're going to get it!"

"Heeeere we go," Mocchi whispered under her breath, now satisfied. She struck a tragic pose (AN: So…much…useless…_posing_….) "Oh no. Oh no. A glowing Frisbee. Nooo, this cannot be. Argh, argh, etcetera."

The girl in the fuku yanked off her tiara and twirled around with it, allowing Mocchi the opportunity to get in one last butt, before flinging the tiara, now infused with some sort of atomic nightlight glow, at the youma.

"NOOOOOO!!!!!"

And with that, she fell over and was vaporized.

"Yyyyyeahhhhh!!!!" The girls began jumping around and giggling. The Suit Man smiled mysteriously at them and (thankfully) went away. 

Heero sighed. "That had to be the most pathetic display of stupidity I have ever seen."

"What about the Street Fighter live action movie?"

The Perfect Soldier nodded curtly at Duo. "I stand corrected."

Behind him, the bits of Mocchi fused back together and the youma began striding off into the horizon, her parting words ringing out clearly and sweetly: "_If anyone needs me, I'll be in my trailer_!"

After this, the youma having been vanquished and more than enough love speeches having been spewed, one by one the fuku-clad do-gooders wandered vacantly away, the motor-oil-smelling cat pausing to claw a substantial chunk out of Quatre's shin.

A chill wind blew past the Gundam boys, sending an appropriately cliché tumbleweed bouncing past. Wufei staggered out of the alley, wiping his mouth on a scrap of silk he'd pulled from Hammer Space. "Ughh…such a horrible sight. Are they gone yet?"

"Yeah." Trowa cast a glance at the reddening sky. Sunset was fast approaching. "But we're still here."

"This is so _not_ cool!" 

"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Wufei snapped. Duo glared back at him, obviously just as irritable as the Solitary Dragon.

"Right." Heero pulled his gun. "I say we take those sailor-girls hostage until PhoenixDagger sends us home."

****

That's _Lady_ PhoeixDagger, thank you very much.

"And if she doesn't let us go?"

Heero flipped the safety off, grinning ferally. "Then we get to make the world a better place."

Suddenly, the gun turned into a large cardboard cone of cotton candy. Heero sneered and cast it to the ground. Dropping to his knees, Duo moaned at this blatant waste of sugar, conveniently forgetting that it was sugar that got them into this mess in the first place. 

****

No, Heero.

"You suck."

****

Don't make me turn you into pond scum.

"Hn."

Quatre sighed and kicked a pop can at another tumbleweed. "Well, we have to do _some_thing."

**Uh, how do you guys feel about warping into a mecha anime? I still have the remote with me.**

"No way. No mechas. I've gotten to know your sense of humour. I don't feel like being stomped on by a Labour, Guymelef, EVA or otherwise."

**Oh, okay. No mecha. Uhm, what about a summary of the moral or something?**

"What moral? Besides, it's too Carebears." Duo kicked yet another tumbleweed, exploding it. "And enough with the frickin' tumbleweeds!!"

**But they're so rustic!!**

"If by 'rustic' you mean 'absurd', then yes; yes they are." Wufei sniffed. "Stupid woman." Suddenly, a huge wall of tumbleweeds appeared from nowhere and buried him in weedy goodness. (AN:You WILL respect my authority!!!! Muahahahahahaaaaaaa!!!!!)

"Gaah! Tumbleweeds don't have six-inch thorns!!!"

**Oopsie. Did _I_ do that? Clumsy, clumsy me. **The sky grinned somehow. **It must be because I'm just a stupid woman, right Fei-kun?**

"Aaaa! Are those fire ants!?!?!?!?!?!"

****

That would be the rustic part.

Quatre put up his hand. "Um, hello? The story?"

****

Oh! Yeah, right, right. Hey! How about a great big song and dance number?

Furious silence greeted the authoress. The dusky sky blushed a deeper red.

****

Oookay. Not hearing a lot of enthusiasm for the great big song and dance number. How about a "to be continued" type ending?

"Forget it."

"No."

"In your dreams, lady."

"I am _not_ doing this again."

"Ants in my pants!! Ants in my pants!!"

**Well what am I supposed to do!?!?!**

Duo rubbed his hands together. "How about ending it up with giving me a billion dollars and a harem and making me live happily ever after? That'd be a good ending."

**Do you see your little friend trapped in the pile of tumbleweeds there?**

"For the love of Nataku, _save me_!!!!"

"I was just sayin' is all…"

Quatre stepped forward. "Maybe I could play something?" He pulled his violin from Hammer Space and plucked quizzically at the E string. "Maybe Vivaldi's 'Spring'?"

****

This is a _written_ fic, Quatre. I can't write out Vivadi's 'Spring' and expect people not to fall asleep in the middle of it. (Note to those who are planning to fall asleep: I know where you live. In fact, I'm somewhere in the house, lurking in the shadows and waiting for you to nod off so that I may stuff you in a great big pillowcase and feed you to my crazed band of feral chibis from various unpopular anime. Sweet dreams.)

"Oh. Sorry."

****

Hey, it's cool.

Duo threw up his hands in disgust. "Fine! Let's just end this damn thing in mid sentence, since it's obvious nothing else is going to work!"

The heavens seemed to look thoughtful for a moment.

**Actually, that sounds like a good idea.**

The braided pilot started with a look of horror on his face. "Wait, no! That's not what I m-"

****

THE END

*****

__

Yeah, I really couldn't think of an ending. Sorry. 

So, did you really enjoy my little Senshi-bashing romp or am I just kidding myself? Maybe _you_ can think of a better ending! (Probably) Do review and tell me!

Ja ne!

--LPD *//.^*


End file.
